Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I HATE my school.

It is ridiculous how much I am seething with anger and hatred right now. I really think that BYU is trying to ruin my life, and Jesus Christ, they are succeeding.

Right at this moment, I am no longer a student there. Yup. No shit. And I am powerless to deal with it. I kinda want to go out and be stupid. It's been a really long time since I did something good and stupid. I haven't had a drink or a cigarette since 2004. I behave. I go to church. I follow the retarded honor code, even though it's so arbitrary and pointless that it makes me angry. Still, I do it. Because I have to. In return, I mostly seem to get stress and frustration. But right now, at this moment, I am under so such obligation. If I am not a student right now, I can do whatever the hell I want to do.

People, THIS is WHY I can't rely on anyone or ask anyone for help with anything, ever. Because people take vacations and don't do their jobs. Because people are totally unreliable. Because trusting people is the surest way to fuck up your whole damn life.

Yup. I am an ex-graduate student today because I've had to rely on people to do their jobs. BIG mistake. I don't know if I can fix this. I really don't. Truthfully, I'm not too sure how much I want to. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I have been clinging on by my fingernails for months and I can't deal with this BS anymore. My situation boggles my mind. I can't believe that it's come to this.

I'm trying not to do anything rash. I'm really, really trying. I'm attempting to calm down and make reasonable, rational plans and decisions. It's not working so far. In truth, I have no idea what to do.

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