Friday, August 24, 2012

Fair warning.

A dear friend of mine is up the spout, 22 weeks and counting. I love her because, while she's LDS like me, she isn't all fake-cheery, nothing-is-wrong, all-this-shit-must-be-god's-plan irritating. Maybe my bullshit tolerance is lower than it used to be, but right now, fair warning people, undue cheeriness may incite acts of aggression.

My reasons for this grumpiness are as follows: with my MA in hand, I have managed only to procure 3 part-time jobs. With these jobs, I work 45-58 hours per week and have no health insurance or job security. Every time someone says, "Well, thank God you have work," or "That's wonderful," or really anything positive, I get pissed. No. It's not wonderful, it's effing awful, actually.

But hey, if you're such a big damn fan of my "blessings," why don't you come over here and trade? I'll see you working 60 hours per week, juggling jobs, too busy to eat, trying desperately not to get sick, and trying to fit in GRE studying/PhD applying in the mix. Then you may come and tell me how wonderful YOU think it is.

And next year, when I may be able to update my 20-year-old car, that won't be a magical Godly blessing, either. That will be the end result of 12 months of 50+ hour work weeks, so keep your cheerfulness to your self, 'cause I'm too busy to buy that load of crap. My situation is shitty, and I'm crawling out of it by my fingernails and the skin of my teeth, so why don't you give ME some credit, instead?

Or just keep your opinions about MY LIFE to yourself. I'm tired of hearing how grateful I should be for this load of shit. I'm working through it and it's hard as hell; those types of comments just make me feel like shit.

On a more positive note (now that I've gotten that out of my system), I am excited about applying for PhD programs, though not too excited about the costs. Oh well. That's just how it goes. I'm particularly interested in the PhD program at Utah State University in Logan. AND the city seems really cool - they have a city-wide FREE bus system, which is paid for by local sales taxes. Awesome! And there's a local mid-singles ward, because the family ward is just not working for me. Last Sunday I was sitting on a pew and this family with 3 young boys sat in the row behind me. Yeah. They kicked the back of my bench the whole time. I kept giving them and the adults with them the stink-eye. Come to find out, they were the Bishop's kids. Yeah. I'm definitely making friends there...

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Guest Post

Hey all-

I wrote a guest post on The Amazing Paige's blog about living and losing with PCOS. Let me know whatcha think.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Thoughts on the Love Languages

I read the Love Languages book designed for singles a while ago. When I took the diagnostic at the end to see what my language was, I came up with an almost perfect 3-way tie. When I took it again some months later, I had a two-way tie. I've been thinking a lot lately about my relationships and whether I feel loved or appreciated and how I naturally show love and appreciation. To be honest, I feel like I show a lot, but I mostly don't feel like it's reciprocated, so I end up feeling hurt and used.

I'm fairly certain that my main love language for showing love is service and/or gifts. If you are my friend, I will do things for you. Lots of things. Inconvenient things. Things that cost me time and money. And I'm happy to do it, because it's for my friend.

It's rather a good thing that service isn't the language in which I receive love, because there's really only 1 person who shows his love for me that way. And because I show love that way too, I see it and understand it and reciprocate. But really, my receiving language is quality time. I've moved so many times - more than 2 dozen. So many people have come into and gone out of my life, and so I'm used to not seeing and not hearing from people and people regularly dropping out of my life.

Quality time. If I don't hear from you occasionally, if you don't want to hang out once in a while, it will follow for me that we are probably not friends anymore - that you don't want to spend time with me. I don't need tons, but to maintain any relationship, I do need something - a call to catch up, a sofa-surfing movie night, dinner. Something. Anything.

The worst for me is those that take my manifestations of love and give me nothing in return. I've always attracted those friends and boyfriends who would happily bask in my natural generosity - asking me to help with this and that, help moving, borrowing my books or DVDs, accepting invitations to dinners at my home - but who never do me the courtesy of a reciprocal offer or invitation. Those who only stop by to exchange one borrowed movie for another without extending the invitation to join them. Those who make plans with me one day and then drop off the face of the earth as the day for the plans approaches.

It makes me feel used. People take my time and effort and generosity, and then walk away with them. 

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Dear Neighbors...

Dear Next-door Neighbors-
It was me. I reported your party to the police last night! And I'm NOT SORRY. Sure, when I was your age, I indulged in loud parties, too. But. Now I'm 30, and at 11:30pm, even on a weekend, I'd like to be able to sleep. I can not accomplish this when your guests are dancing in the streets and setting off fire crackers in the front lawn and when your music is so loud that I can make out the words from inside MY house.
So it was me. And I'll do it again.

Dear Other-half-of-house Neighbor-
Please, get a rug. You do NOT tread lightly. Also, I hate it when you sit in front of your door and smoke because it makes my whole house smell like cigarette smoke. I quit for a reason, and I'd like to keep it that way.

Dear Downstairs Neighbors-
The Saturday morning moaning is getting really old really fast. For the love, you share a house with other people. I have to see you at church. Keep it down, huh?

That's all. :)