Friday, September 21, 2012

Philosophical Question:

Why is it that when something bad happens, it's definitely not because of God, but...

when something good happens, it's only because of God?

GRE and stuff.

Tomorrow I am taking a GRE practice test administered by Kaplan. I've been studying for 6 weeks, so I'm hoping I do reasonably well.

Today I was finally able to PAY for my freakin' test ($175), but of course, since it's so late in the test-taking game, both of the weekends I WANTED to take the exam are full. So I'll be taking the real test in 2 weeks, when I had planned on 3-4.

Fine. Whatever. This test makes me nauseated. So today I found my testing center in order to prevent getting lost on my way there.

PC does not have a section for me to teach next term, so for the next 5 weeks, I'm down to 2 part-time jobs. Honestly, I'm considering applying for a 4th. Which is batshit crazy, but the ends have to meet somehow.

Also, I'm happy to report that, after months of downstairs neighbors having noisy sex, I'm quite certain that the wife finally got off last night. Good for her. And about damn time.

Here's the thing about the work situation: right now, I am getting by, but barely. I'm not sure how I'm going to afford PhD applications, which, between app fees, GRE score-sending fees, and transcript-sending fees, will range in price from $80-$150 for each program I apply to. And I don't know how it's going to happen. I really don't. Especially with PC not having work for me this term. And who knows when they will? I'm an adjunct. I don't get job security, and with their terms being so short, I never really get to take a breath, either.

I have a complicated relationship with prayer. I don't feel comfortable asking for things, from people or from God. Even when someone owes me something, or it really IS their turn to pay for something, I won't ask. Someone told me recently that we HAVE to ask for specifics, so I tried it out. I prayed that I would have a section this term, so I could stop having bleeding ulcers from stress. And maybe I could afford my birth control, which I have to take to stay healthy, or risk losing my ovaries or getting cancer. I've been off my BC for 3 weeks, because taking care of my health is just not in the budget. I mean, gas and food are barely covered.
I'm struggling with this right now. I pleading from the depths of my soul for 2 sections. I got zero. What am I supposed to take away from this situation about God's love for me? I don't have a lot of options here. I'm working more than full-time hours. I WANT to work. I WANT to have a care for my health, but right now, that's a luxury I can't afford.

Someone I love asked me recently what I would do, if I could do anything? What would be my dream job. It seemed to me to be a self-indulgent question. I don't care if I'm happy. I don't care if my hours are horrible or if my boss is a jackass.
I care about being secure.
I can't afford the luxury of dreaming about happiness.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

You know when you're waiting for an important email and every time a message shows up in your inbox you get hopeful? And then it's never the one you want? So you get mad at it?


I'm waiting to hear of PC has a course for me to teach during their next term. I'm thinking not, which is problematic. I may have to find a 4th (4!) part time job.

I found a quote on Pinterest that sums up my thoughts well: I can't believe that I work so hard to be this poor.