Thursday, December 30, 2010

And then I woke up happy. :)

I love breaking up. I'm not sure what that says about me or my relationships, but I really love breaking up. There are moments of loneliness, for sure, but beyond those, I have been overcome with the wonderful and tremendous sense of freedom.
This wasn't even much of a break-up, really, but the feelings are the same to me. I was hardcore smitten with this boy. We flirted constantly in person, by email, and over texts. Many times I got tired and frustrated and wanted to break off our friendship just to be free of the anxiety that accompanied our relationship. It's been going on for almost a year. And now it's finally over. I don't even have to be friends with him anymore, and that makes me so happy. In my way, I did love him, and I wish him well, but I won't let him be in my life anymore.
I was sad for a day. And now it's over and I feel energetic and excited. This has been such a hard year for me. Among the years in my short but difficult life, this one takes the cake. But it's over. I don't know how next year is going to be different. I don't know how I'm going to fix the problems that have been consuming me. I'm not sure how I'm going to replace my car or find a new home or anything else. But it'll figure itself out, and in the meantime, I am free of one thing that has been stressing me out. He's gone, and forever, and I am free. Free of him and free of myself. I feel like running. And laughing. And crying tears of joy. The stress of waiting and hoping and wondering is gone. All gone!
I know it won't be perfect and I will likely still have moments. But I am better. So far, I have always been better alone than with any other person. I am not terribly young - I am turning 29 in a few months, and I live in a culture which is extremely marriage-centric. But today I don't care that I'm old and unmarried. Today, I am happy about it. Today, I am watching movies with no romantic plot whatsoever. Today, I am washing him out of my hair, and sending him on his way. :D

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

I spoke too soon.

It actually managed to get worse. Wow. Truly, honestly, awesomely bad. The year still has 2 1/2 days with which to beat me around some more. I may spend them hiding in my flannel sheets.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

My year, in brief.

At the end of January, my gall bladder almost burst. It was removed. Since then, everything I eat makes me sick. My semester was a wash because I was recovering for 6 weeks. Thesis progress = nonexistent. I was wait-listed for my dream program. And then formally rejected on my birthday. Turned out to be a good thing, because I haven't graduated yet. I was rejected from TFA. I was thrown out of my apartment. I was wait-listed for CLS, and eventually accepted...but had to shell out about $1500 to change around flight plans in order to make it there. I went to Germany as part of a research team to present a paper about grammar prescriptions and the COCA. I went to Spain to visit my sister and beautiful niece. I saw Gibraltar and Cadiz and the Alhambra. I planted a garden and then abandoned it to weeds. I got thoroughly smitten with a boy who will never ask me out. I lived in India. I walked on the roof of the Golden Temple in Amritsar. I worshipped with the Sikhs and Hindus. I saw the Taj Mahal and got bitten by an Indian dog. I had rabies treatments. I got a tan that had not yet faded completely. I got jaded and wounded and learned a bit of Punjabi. I came face to face with a cobra. I was mugged. I rode trains across the country. I went on 14 plane rides across the entire world. My school messed up my financial aid until December, so once again, thesis progress = nonexistent. I got into a car accident. I got depressed, and then undepressed, and then depressed. I cried a lot. I spent a lot of time in bed, recovering from one thing or another. I rode in rickshaws. I bargained. I was largely unemployed. I lost 40 lbs, not all of it on purpose. I lost 2.5 pant sizes and had to buy a whole new wardrobe. I became a mac person. I was not asked out once. And my car just stranded me in 8 inches of snow on the side of the road. This year has been wonderful and horrible. I've seen amazing things and been broken hearted. I've been amazed sometimes and helpless and hopeless at other times. It's been a roller coaster, but mostly not a good one. I wish I was the sort of superstitious person who believed that the turn of the calendar could make things magically different, but I'm not.
When 2010 started, I made one wish: May this year be better than last year. It was and it also really wasn't, but I'm not making the mistake of making that wish again.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Day 5: A letter to your crush.

Dear You-
I am smitten. I am tired of the endless flirting. Make a move already. I won't say no.

Day 4: A Photo taken 10 years ago.

I think this is the first photo I've put on my blog. I just load them all on facebook and call it a day.

So, here I am, a Junior in High School. My hair was much longer, my skin was not yet clear, and I had no idea what to do with make-up. I really don't think I look particularly different than I do now. That's a terrible necklace to be wearing in a photo. I wonder what was on it... I would also not be caught dead wearing a hair stick, but luckily my hair is much to short for such things. Earrings also would not have killed me.

That's all I have to say about it.

Day 3: Favorite Movie

Day 2 is dumb. Nobody wants to read a bulleted list of my day or what I ate or anything so inane and juvenile.

However, I have many a favorite movie. I'm a bit of an addict, actually, and will probably have to do favorites by genre. My embarrassingly large dvd collection is organized alphabetically by genre, actually. Also, bear in mind that these are favorites of the moment.

Action: Inglorious Basterds
Period Piece: Pride and Prejudice
Contemporary: No favorite
Musicals: Hairspray. Or Sweeney Todd
Indie: All of the above. Except I Heart Huckabees. What a piece of crap.
Family: Up!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Day 1: Introduce yourself

I am a bitch. I am a fierce friend. I am a protector. I am neurotic. I am a feminist. I am Betty Freakin' Crocker. I am opinionated. I am a caregiver. I am an advocate. I am a graduate student. I am a woman's college alumna, and proud of it. I am a bibliophile. I am old-fashioned and forward-thinking. I have pale skin and dark hair. I am tall and strong. I am a survivor.

I love cleaning. I hate cleaning up after other people. I love cooking. I hate parties. I love reading. I love travelling. I love learning. I love movies. I hate making mistakes. I hate crowds. I love my family. I love Christmas ornaments, but won't shop in December, even for groceries.

I can tat and knit and sew and read construction plans and run a table saw and fix my own car. I write thank-you notes. I study languages. I used to study mathematics. I organize my embarrassingly large DVD collection alphabetically by genre.

My eyes change colors. My mother is one of my best friends. My sisters are amazing. My life has been hard, but my spirit has not been broken. My faith is important to me.

I want to be settled. I want to find the motivation to finish my degree. I want to find peace. I want to stop moving. I want to find a place to be.

Starting Over.

So, it's been a bad year. At times, *really* bad. So, I'm starting over. I'm kicking myself in the pants and getting going. I'm going to do something a bit out of character: I'm adopting a blog schedule. I've made fun of this in the past, but I need some meaningless short-term goals. Just something to do. And this, I think, ought to be brainless enough. Actually, many of these are insipid, so I will likely skip around. I mean, check out day 6. Seriously? I don't think so.

Day 1: Introduce yourself
Day 2: A bulleted list of everything that happened in your day
Day 3: Your favorite movie
Day 4: A photo of you taken over 10 years ago
Day 5: A letter to your crush
Day 6: A list of what you ate today
Day 7: A youtube video you find funny
Day 8: A photo of you taken recently
Day 9: List some of your favorite blogs
Day 10: A letter to a person who has caused you pain
Day 11: Share your favorite recipe(s)
Day 12: Self portrait
Day 13: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 14: A song from your childhood
Day 15: A letter to someone you wish you could meet
Day 16: Provide pictures of 5 celebrity crushes
Day 17: A photo that makes you sad
Day 18: Set or share a goal
Day 19: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 20: A letter to someone that changed your life
Day 21: Your favorite television program
Day 22: A photo that makes you happy
Day 23: Share one of your favorite tunes
Day 24: Time to face morph
Day 25: Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 26: Favorite books
Day 27: A talent of yours
Day 28: Favorite places to shop
Day 29: Your favorite color
Day 30: The friendliest person you knew for only 1 day
Day 31: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 32: A photo you took
Day 33: What you're craving right now
Day 34: Your favorite quote
Day 35: A letter to an ex
Day 36: Some hobbies of yours
Day 37: A song that you like to dance to
Day 38: A photo of your parents
Day 39: Zodiac sign and do you think it fits your personality
Day 40: A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 41: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 42: A bad habit you have
Day 43: A picture of your favorite place in the world
Day 44: Something that fascinates you and why
Day 45: A letter to yourself a year ago
Day 46: Photos of personal things in your life (pets, family, house, etc)
Day 47: Birthday wish list
Day 48: A photo of you right now
Day 49: Hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 50: A letter to your reflection in the mirror