Thursday, December 30, 2010

And then I woke up happy. :)

I love breaking up. I'm not sure what that says about me or my relationships, but I really love breaking up. There are moments of loneliness, for sure, but beyond those, I have been overcome with the wonderful and tremendous sense of freedom.
This wasn't even much of a break-up, really, but the feelings are the same to me. I was hardcore smitten with this boy. We flirted constantly in person, by email, and over texts. Many times I got tired and frustrated and wanted to break off our friendship just to be free of the anxiety that accompanied our relationship. It's been going on for almost a year. And now it's finally over. I don't even have to be friends with him anymore, and that makes me so happy. In my way, I did love him, and I wish him well, but I won't let him be in my life anymore.
I was sad for a day. And now it's over and I feel energetic and excited. This has been such a hard year for me. Among the years in my short but difficult life, this one takes the cake. But it's over. I don't know how next year is going to be different. I don't know how I'm going to fix the problems that have been consuming me. I'm not sure how I'm going to replace my car or find a new home or anything else. But it'll figure itself out, and in the meantime, I am free of one thing that has been stressing me out. He's gone, and forever, and I am free. Free of him and free of myself. I feel like running. And laughing. And crying tears of joy. The stress of waiting and hoping and wondering is gone. All gone!
I know it won't be perfect and I will likely still have moments. But I am better. So far, I have always been better alone than with any other person. I am not terribly young - I am turning 29 in a few months, and I live in a culture which is extremely marriage-centric. But today I don't care that I'm old and unmarried. Today, I am happy about it. Today, I am watching movies with no romantic plot whatsoever. Today, I am washing him out of my hair, and sending him on his way. :D

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