Sunday, August 12, 2012

Thoughts on the Love Languages

I read the Love Languages book designed for singles a while ago. When I took the diagnostic at the end to see what my language was, I came up with an almost perfect 3-way tie. When I took it again some months later, I had a two-way tie. I've been thinking a lot lately about my relationships and whether I feel loved or appreciated and how I naturally show love and appreciation. To be honest, I feel like I show a lot, but I mostly don't feel like it's reciprocated, so I end up feeling hurt and used.

I'm fairly certain that my main love language for showing love is service and/or gifts. If you are my friend, I will do things for you. Lots of things. Inconvenient things. Things that cost me time and money. And I'm happy to do it, because it's for my friend.

It's rather a good thing that service isn't the language in which I receive love, because there's really only 1 person who shows his love for me that way. And because I show love that way too, I see it and understand it and reciprocate. But really, my receiving language is quality time. I've moved so many times - more than 2 dozen. So many people have come into and gone out of my life, and so I'm used to not seeing and not hearing from people and people regularly dropping out of my life.

Quality time. If I don't hear from you occasionally, if you don't want to hang out once in a while, it will follow for me that we are probably not friends anymore - that you don't want to spend time with me. I don't need tons, but to maintain any relationship, I do need something - a call to catch up, a sofa-surfing movie night, dinner. Something. Anything.

The worst for me is those that take my manifestations of love and give me nothing in return. I've always attracted those friends and boyfriends who would happily bask in my natural generosity - asking me to help with this and that, help moving, borrowing my books or DVDs, accepting invitations to dinners at my home - but who never do me the courtesy of a reciprocal offer or invitation. Those who only stop by to exchange one borrowed movie for another without extending the invitation to join them. Those who make plans with me one day and then drop off the face of the earth as the day for the plans approaches.

It makes me feel used. People take my time and effort and generosity, and then walk away with them. 


  1. Just took the online assessment. Quality time is my first followed by acts of service. I think that this is also how I probably show my love to others. It's interesting to keep this stuff in mind. Thanks for sharing.

  2. For the record, I always felt loved and appreciated by you and Mr. DeSmiths, and now I know why - we speak the same languages. :)

    My two lowest-scoring languages were Words of Affirmation and Gifts. To me, words are meaningless, because people always say one thing and then do something else.