Still winning. :D

Today I started Week 4 of my very slow training. For as slow as I know it is, I still find the beginning of each week intimidating. I have been having a lot of knee and lower back pain and after reading a lot of advice online, I decided to go and get fitted for proper running shoes. I went to the Salt Lake Running Company and was videotaped while running. I pronate. A lot. So, I tried on stability shoes, ran around, jumped up and down, and bought a pair. You may think that I succumbed to capitalism or some crazy societal ridiculousness, but I'll tell you this: my knees don't hurt anymore. It's like magic.

This is the first week where we run more than we walk. I ran for 16 minutes. Not all together. But I did. At the start of this program, I looked ahead and was scared by what I saw. Today for the first time in who knows how long, I ran 5 mins without stopping. Twice. When I finished my last 5 min run, I broke into a huge grin. I'm still grinning, to tell you the truth. I know it's small potatoes for some people. Some people find the idea of training for a measly 5k to be ridiculous, but those people don't have broken lungs. Some people can run for 5 mins without breaking a sweat. For me, it is a major accomplishment, and I am so proud of myself. I'm so excited by what my body can do now. I feel myself changing, and I'm excited by it. I'm grateful for my family and friends who get excited with me over my small but steady accomplishments. My sister (you know who you are) and my mother are like cheerleaders for me.

In other news, I won a cookbook giveaway from food blog Annie's Eats. Oh yeah. JUST what I need. More cookbooks. :) Also, my car, a 91 Subary Legacy, died a month ago, and over the weekend, I got a KILLER deal on an 03 VW Jetta. Way younger than the Subaru, and way zippier. I should get the title from the bank in a couple of days, and then it will be all mine!

Also, I go to church with Philistines. I talked to a girl who was arranging a church dinner. She was having girls sign up to prepare lasagna (ewww) for the dinner. Or so I thought. No no, she was having them sign up to bake FROZEN lasagna (AAAHHHH!!!!!). So, I mentioned that I'd be interested in preparing a white lasagna. I made it simple to understand. I want to make the crimini mushroom and bechamel sauce lasagna from the Smitten Kitchen food blog. Yeah. So. This girl said that she wasn't sure about that and that she'd have to ask if that was okay.

Ha. Like that's going to happen. I am making what I want to make. I do NOT eat frozen food products. And I HATE red lasagna. My bet is that mine is the first to go. By a long shot. Apparently, last month, they had chili from a can for this dinner. I don't think so. At least my old ward had a chili cook-off. Which I won, by the way. Because I am awesome at cooking stuff.

I win.

I wasn't sure I was going to blog about this, but.... I am. I am kicking my own ass. I am becoming the boss of my own body. It will bend to my will and I will have my way.

I'm training for a 5k. Starting small. But it's somewhere.

The thing is, I'm asthmatic. My whole life I have felt like a prisoner in my body because it wouldn't or couldn't do what I wanted it to do. I never could run as long or as far as other kids because my lungs would squeeze until I stopped. I hated it. Even before my pancreas started acting up and my rude body started storing everything I ate (which made me fat), back when I was younger and slimmer, I couldn't run or do many active things. My lungs give out far before my legs or my feet or my mind. It was sad for me.

I've lost a fair amount of weight since I was diagnosed, but still haven't been able to be very active due to the pesky lung issue. I've dropped 4 pant sizes. And I finally feel good enough to teach my body a lesson. I'm beating it up. We are in a fight and I will win. And I love it. I'm starting each morning with a brief-but-intense strength-cardio-abs workout and then going out for interval running training. You may have heard of it: Couch-to-5k. It's awesome and you should google it. I downloaded podcasts for each week of running where this guy tells me when to walk and when to run, all to a symphony of dulcet techno beats. I'm building up my resistance and my running ability and speed, one day at a time. Today was Day 7. Between the two work-out styles, I have lost 7lbs and 6.5 inches already. And the best part is, since everything is a building-up-type program, I don't feel tired or overworked. I feel energized. I ran farther today than I have up to this point, and I'm impressed with myself. I am taking command of my body. It will run when I tell it to run, and that's all there is to it. I'm not even letting the weather stop me. We've had frigid temperatures.... since I started this, pretty much. We haven't gotten above freezing in days. Today our high is 22. And I ran. Yesterday I ran in the snow and I ran on ice. When I got home today, my legs were red, but the did what I told them to do, and I am happy about that.

I'm turning 29 in 3 months. It's a scary thing. When I was in high school and college, I battled with eating disorder and self-harming. I know this is going to sound odd, but I like the pain I feel right now. I used to be very depressed and would self-harm to see for sure that I was alive, because I felt dead inside. In a weird way, I'm doing it again, but in a healthful way. I can not deny that I am alive when I feel pain or when I feel my heart beating through my chest. It makes me happy. Also, all of the exercise is good because I HAVE to eat. I'm starving afterwards!

Okay, so I'm rambling and I've probably over-shared, but it's my blog and I'll say what I want to say. :)

And then I woke up happy. :)

I love breaking up. I'm not sure what that says about me or my relationships, but I really love breaking up. There are moments of loneliness, for sure, but beyond those, I have been overcome with the wonderful and tremendous sense of freedom.

This wasn't even much of a break-up, really, but the feelings are the same to me. I was hardcore smitten with this boy. We flirted constantly in person, by email, and over texts. Many times I got tired and frustrated and wanted to break off our friendship just to be free of the anxiety that accompanied our relationship. It's been going on for almost a year. And now it's finally over. I don't even have to be friends with him anymore, and that makes me so happy. In my way, I did love him, and I wish him well, but I won't let him be in my life anymore.

I was sad for a day. And now it's over and I feel energetic and excited. This has been such a hard year for me. Among the years in my short but difficult life, this one takes the cake. But it's over. I don't know how next year is going to be different. I don't know how I'm going to fix the problems that have been consuming me. I'm not sure how I'm going to replace my car or find a new home or anything else. But it'll figure itself out, and in the meantime, I am free of one thing that has been stressing me out. He's gone, and forever, and I am free. Free of him and free of myself. I feel like running. And laughing. And crying tears of joy. The stress of waiting and hoping and wondering is gone. All gone!

I know it won't be perfect and I will likely still have moments. But I am better. So far, I have always been better alone than with any other person. I am not terribly young - I am turning 29 in a few months, and I live in a culture which is extremely marriage-centric. But today I don't care that I'm old and unmarried. Today, I am happy about it. Today, I am watching movies with no romantic plot whatsoever. Today, I am washing him out of my hair, and sending him on his way. :D

I spoke too soon.

It actually managed to get worse. Wow. Truly, honestly, awesomely bad. The year still has 2 1/2 days with which to beat me around some more. I may spend them hiding in my flannel sheets.

My year, in brief.

At the end of January, my gall bladder almost burst. It was removed. Since then, everything I eat makes me sick. My semester was a wash because I was recovering for 6 weeks. Thesis progress = nonexistent. I was wait-listed for my dream program. And then formally rejected on my birthday. Turned out to be a good thing, because I haven't graduated yet. I was rejected from TFA. I was thrown out of my apartment. I was wait-listed for CLS, and eventually accepted...but had to shell out about $1500 to change around flight plans in order to make it there. I went to Germany as part of a research team to present a paper about grammar prescriptions and the COCA. I went to Spain to visit my sister and beautiful niece. I saw Gibraltar and Cadiz and the Alhambra. I planted a garden and then abandoned it to weeds. I got thoroughly smitten with a boy who will never ask me out. I lived in India. I walked on the roof of the Golden Temple in Amritsar. I worshipped with the Sikhs and Hindus. I saw the Taj Mahal and got bitten by an Indian dog. I had rabies treatments. I got a tan that had not yet faded completely. I got jaded and wounded and learned a bit of Punjabi. I came face to face with a cobra. I was mugged. I rode trains across the country. I went on 14 plane rides across the entire world. My school messed up my financial aid until December, so once again, thesis progress = nonexistent. I got into a car accident. I got depressed, and then undepressed, and then depressed. I cried a lot. I spent a lot of time in bed, recovering from one thing or another. I rode in rickshaws. I bargained. I was largely unemployed. I lost 40 lbs, not all of it on purpose. I lost 2.5 pant sizes and had to buy a whole new wardrobe. I became a mac person. I was not asked out once. And my car just stranded me in 8 inches of snow on the side of the road. This year has been wonderful and horrible. I've seen amazing things and been broken hearted. I've been amazed sometimes and helpless and hopeless at other times. It's been a roller coaster, but mostly not a good one. I wish I was the sort of superstitious person who believed that the turn of the calendar could make things magically different, but I'm not.

When 2010 started, I made one wish: May this year be better than last year. It was and it also really wasn't, but I'm not making the mistake of making that wish again.

Day 7: Funny Youtube Video

Day 5: A letter to your crush.

Dear You-

I am smitten. I am tired of the endless flirting. Make a move already. I won't say no.

Sincerely,

Kalliope.