On being a Loser.

I was a loser in school. Seriously. I wore glasses. I had very long, very frizzy hair. I was too smart and threw off the curve. I was incredibly bad at sports. Picked almost dead last every time. Except once there was this popular girl who took pity on me, I guess. When she was a team captain, she would pick me 3rd or 4th. I never new why. Anyways, I was seriously good at math. I was in the gifted program. I read books while other kids struggled with algebra. I read books at recess.

Other kids bullied me and the teachers saw and did nothing. One girl pinned me to the floor with a desk during class. Like, tipped it over on top of me and held it there. Nothing happened to her. One girl pulled down my gym shorts while I was on my period. She didn't get into trouble either. Boys sexually harassed me daily, spreading rumors about me and telling everyone I was a slut. They called me a devil worshipper. If I stood up for myself, I got in trouble. Once I made the mistake of asking for mediation with the head of my hate committee. Living that down took months. My only friends were other losers. I didn't like them, and they probably didn't like me, but we were all we had. I still remember the names of my tormenters. Caleb. Bridget. Sarah. Paige. Nakeya. There was this really clever boy who barked at me every day because my last name starts with b-o-w, even though it's pronounced bow like rainbow or hairbow or cross bow or bow-and-arrow. Bow-noun, not Bow-verb.

High school was a little bit better because I fell in with the drama geek crowd. Interestingly, it's where a lot of the white kids congregated. My school was about 5% white, so... I wasn't popular by any means, but I was a bit talented, and that went a long way. I was also in honours and AP classes and served as president of the Academic Decathlon. I went to colleges in the summer to take part in smart-kid programs, so I spent my summers studying calculus, latin, and electrical engineering. For our final exam, we built a 4-function calculator out of a box of parts.

College was better still - more drama geeks, and somehow I was kinda popular in certain crowds. People seemed to want me around and enjoy my company. It was weird for me. It still is. I still don't get it because in my heart, I'm still 12 or 13. People are still pretending to be my friend so they can gather information with to hurt and embarrass me later. I was never in with the really popular people - never inducted into any of the secret societies or anything, but I was busy double majoring and had great friends that were also in that same boat.

Surrounding yourself with other losers and geeks creates a barrier - you get a certain amount of protection, buffering, strength in numbers and all that.

I'm in this rather clique-ish ward at church. I was invited to this party. It's up in SLC, so a meet-up location was announced for the purpose of carpooling. Being the personality type that I am, I got to the meet up location 10 minutes early. I stayed until 20 minutes after we were supposed to leave. I can only assume that they communicated with each other and chose a different location. I RSVPed to the even on FB, and at least 2 of the girls going have my number and are generally nice to me.

But suddenly I'm that girl again. I wonder if it's possible to ever outgrow the scars of adolescence. I don't believe anyone was being malicious, but it's hard to imagine that no one had the thought to drive by the meet-up place just in case someone went there. Seems pretty silly not to, right?

I hate that I can still be so adversely affected by things that occurred almost 20 years ago. On reflection, I can see that I don't, and didn't, fit in well. I'm weird. I hide it better now than I did then, because I didn't know any better. I didn't know that I had to lie about myself. Having done some research, I think I've come to understand some of my stranger behaviors and how they're connected. It doesn't make it too much easier, though.

I hate that I care. I hate that I don't understand what people find worth liking or loving in me. I hate that having friends baffles me. And right now, I hate that there's an amazing guy who likes me, and I don't know how to let him, because he's the popular kid type, and I'm a bespeckled awkward girl, and I don't know how not to be. 15 years ago, him (or his type) talking to me would have been the beginning of a cruel joke. And it doesn't seem to me that the world has changed so much, so how am I supposed to let my guard down?

Passive Aggressive driving makes me happy.

Today I got honked at for stopping at a red light. I was in a right turn lane, but still. I'm all about turning right on red and everything, but before I do so, I think it is important to stop and LOOK before proceeding into the intersection. Call me crazy.

Unfortunately the DB behind me didn't think his actions through all the way. Because we were turning onto a curvy 2-lane road with a 30-mph speed limit, which most people take at 50-mph. Oh yeah. I know. I'm an ass. I went the speed limit. Mwahahahaa!

Every time I looked in the rearview, he was flipping me off. So, about 2 blocks from my house, I breezed through an orange light, and he had to stop. I flipped him a peace sign and made my way home, smiling all the way. That's what you get, douche canoe. That's what you get!

I was mean on purpose.

Which means I must be feeling better. :) I'll tell you the story.

I'm LDS. And I'm liberal. VERY liberal. I'm happy that way. I have no problem getting along with conservatives. In fact, both of my parents are conservatives (Mom and Dad shout-out!) I sometimes joke that I think one of my Dad's great disappointments in life is that his kids lean so far left. Oh well.

I joined this facebook group called LDS Left. I'm happy there. When sitting in Utah Suburbia, it's hard to remember that I'm not the only liberal mormon in the world. Still, I have had many conversations with other mormons, and I think they can be fine, even good, as long as both parties decide to respect each other and not mudsling, or call intelligence or righteousness into question. Because that's just rude and unproductive.

I noticed awhile back that this girl had joined the group who was clearly not left-leaning. Fine. Whatever. Maybe she's curious or interested in expanding her understanding of the other side? Nope. She was there to pick fights. And that's what she did. And the really unfortunate thing is that she is not terribly well-informed. Poor thing. She never stood a chance. Don't enter the den of the other side and start picking fights unless you're prepared to be devoured.

And I did. I watched other people fight with her. Back and forth. Back and forth. I saw her impugn other's intelligence, church worthiness, etc. And this morning I just got sick of it. I told her in no uncertain terms that we did not agree with her politics. Period. She was wasting her time and her breath because she would get no conservative converts out of us. And that she was a self-righteous twit.

She said she'd pray for me. I laughed and responded with "Sweet! :)" She won't talk to me anymore. I wonder why. ;)

I am SUCH a bitch. And I love it.

Food, Inc.

I just watched it. I knew all about it already. I knew about the horrors of the food system. I had read all about it.

And then today I saw it. I feel sick to my stomach. I'm pretty sure that was the point. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to eat again.

I need more money so I can eat more organic food. That's what it comes down to.

How can knowledge not turn people into activists? Who can, with even partial knowledge of the system and its many alarming and dangerous practices, can be complacent about what they put in their mouths? Or in their children's mouths?

A few years ago, I went on my first kick: I started reading Michael Pollan, and also read Animal, Vegetable, Miracle by Barabara Kingsolver. To this day, I number it as one of the ten most influential books I've read in my life.

I have a deep thirst for knowledge, and not just the easy-to-digest type. I want to know things that will make me uncomfortable and will make me question my view, not just insulation that will reinforce my opinions and make me feel warm and fuzzy. I want truth like water from a fire hose. Ignorance is not bliss. Not to me. I don't want to be complacent.

What I really want is a small farm. So I can grow my own food and sustain my family without relying on the system. Yup. I want to be a hippie.

Unexpected...

So, I've been running 3-4x per week for almost six months now. When I started, it was January: 2 degrees, wind chill, icy roads, etc. I was VERY well bundled. The only thing exposed to the light of day was my face, and sometimes not even all of it. Now though, it is into the 50s when I go out, so I'm wearing a lot less. Lately, I've been going out in capri running pants and a racer-back tank.

And I've gotten a lot of color. It's nice not being confused for a vampire. Although. I just had a close look at my shoulders. Apparently they are not tanning. They are spotting. My shoulders are getting totally covered in freckles.

I've never been a freckley person, at least not that I can recall. Maybe if I keep getting sun, the freckles will blend together? Is that wishful thinking?

What a day.

5.5 miles. Ugh. Only 1/2 mile away from the 10k goal. Much like my last long run, it was comfortable and fun until the last mile. Still, it's done and tomorrow is a rest day! Yay!

I was out of spinach this morning... so I used green leaf lettuce. Not as good, actually. Luckily, my favorite store ever had spinach on sale, so I bought a bunch. I am set for green monsters for a week (or so I hope). And probably salads, too. I've been making tuna salad with balsamic vinaigrette and tomatoes (no mayo), then plopping a dollop onto a bed of spinach, another dollop of cottage cheese, and more balsamic over the whole thing. MMM!

Why all of the spinach? Well, as you may or may not remember, I have no gall bladder. Most lettuces rip up my stomach. But spinach is pretty mild on it, so I eat a lot of it. :)

This evening I went to a concert-thing in some park in town. The band was... well, there was a band. I think that's about all I can say about it while being polite. Also, AC/DC is sacred. No touchy. I'm afraid Back in Black has been ruined for me. It was as bad as that one video of Miley Cyrus doing a cover of Smells Like Teen Spirit. Did anyone else see that? Be warned. Your ears may bleed.

So, this band was like that. But with country, classic rock, 80s stuff... it was random. It was like... if my ipod was some how out of tune, and my full music list was on shuffle. Too much. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the video. :)

Green Monster.

My FAVORITE new breakfast lately is the Green Monster. It's amazing! It is a fat-free, sugar-free bit of deliciousness. There are many recipes for them, but they're essentially 2 cups of spinach, 1 banana, and 1 cup of milk, blended with ice. I add ground flax seed. And of course you can dress it up. Today a put in a few tablespoons of strawberry yogurt. Or you can add blueberries. Or Melon. Or whatever! And it tastes WAY better than it sounds.

Also, I'm 1 week from being done with my 10k training. Huh. That snuck up on me. 4 miles today. I lost steam after the 3rd mile. I think I need to start eating before I run, despite my previous experiences with that. I think if I have a piece of fruit or something, I can hold that down and it'll help with me having fuel to finish the run. Also, since I'm starting to do longer distaces, I need to look into one of those running water belts. And Xan has graciously loaned me her mountain bike so I can start cycling. Eventually I'd like to get a road bike, but this'll definitely do for now.

I also need to determine the best/most cost effective way to track my stats. I need to get a new ipod, as mine works, but you can't navigate anymore, so that's a waste of time. I've been running in silence - just me and my thoughts. Scary. So, I can get a new ipod and a tracking app. OR I can get a garmin watch, which would track my vitals, but still have no music.

I know there are times that the music helps me to keep going, but most of the time I'm fine without it. Plus I haven't yet put together a running playlist that really works for me, so I'm hitting the next button a lot, which is irritating. Grrr. I'm not making any decisions any time soon. Right now I'm just gonna keep running. :)