Day 4: A Photo taken 10 years ago.

I think this is the first photo I've put on my blog. I just load them all on facebook and call it a day.

So, here I am, a Junior in High School. My hair was much longer, my skin was not yet clear, and I had no idea what to do with make-up. I really don't think I look particularly different than I do now. That's a terrible necklace to be wearing in a photo. I wonder what was on it... I would also not be caught dead wearing a hair stick, but luckily my hair is much to short for such things. Earrings also would not have killed me.

That's all I have to say about it.

Day 3: Favorite Movie

Day 2 is dumb. Nobody wants to read a bulleted list of my day or what I ate or anything so inane and juvenile.

However, I have many a favorite movie. I'm a bit of an addict, actually, and will probably have to do favorites by genre. My embarrassingly large dvd collection is organized alphabetically by genre, actually. Also, bear in mind that these are favorites of the moment.

Action: Inglorious Basterds

Period Piece: Pride and Prejudice

Contemporary: No favorite

Musicals: Hairspray. Or Sweeney Todd

Indie: All of the above. Except I Heart Huckabees. What a piece of crap.

Family: Up!

Day 1: Introduce yourself

I am a bitch. I am a fierce friend. I am a protector. I am neurotic. I am a feminist. I am Betty Freakin' Crocker. I am opinionated. I am a caregiver. I am an advocate. I am a graduate student. I am a woman's college alumna, and proud of it. I am a bibliophile. I am old-fashioned and forward-thinking. I have pale skin and dark hair. I am tall and strong. I am a survivor.

I love cleaning. I hate cleaning up after other people. I love cooking. I hate parties. I love reading. I love travelling. I love learning. I love movies. I hate making mistakes. I hate crowds. I love my family. I love Christmas ornaments, but won't shop in December, even for groceries.

I can tat and knit and sew and read construction plans and run a table saw and fix my own car. I write thank-you notes. I study languages. I used to study mathematics. I organize my embarrassingly large DVD collection alphabetically by genre.

My eyes change colors. My mother is one of my best friends. My sisters are amazing. My life has been hard, but my spirit has not been broken. My faith is important to me.

I want to be settled. I want to find the motivation to finish my degree. I want to find peace. I want to stop moving. I want to find a place to be.

Starting Over.

So, it's been a bad year. At times, *really* bad. So, I'm starting over. I'm kicking myself in the pants and getting going. I'm going to do something a bit out of character: I'm adopting a blog schedule. I've made fun of this in the past, but I need some meaningless short-term goals. Just something to do. And this, I think, ought to be brainless enough. Actually, many of these are insipid, so I will likely skip around. I mean, check out day 6. Seriously? I don't think so.

Day 1: Introduce yourself
Day 2: A bulleted list of everything that happened in your day
Day 3: Your favorite movie
Day 4: A photo of you taken over 10 years ago
Day 5: A letter to your crush
Day 6: A list of what you ate today
Day 7: A youtube video you find funny
Day 8: A photo of you taken recently
Day 9: List some of your favorite blogs
Day 10: A letter to a person who has caused you pain
Day 11: Share your favorite recipe(s)
Day 12: Self portrait
Day 13: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 14: A song from your childhood
Day 15: A letter to someone you wish you could meet
Day 16: Provide pictures of 5 celebrity crushes
Day 17: A photo that makes you sad
Day 18: Set or share a goal
Day 19: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 20: A letter to someone that changed your life
Day 21: Your favorite television program
Day 22: A photo that makes you happy
Day 23: Share one of your favorite tunes
Day 24: Time to face morph
Day 25: Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 26: Favorite books
Day 27: A talent of yours
Day 28: Favorite places to shop
Day 29: Your favorite color
Day 30: The friendliest person you knew for only 1 day
Day 31: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 32: A photo you took
Day 33: What you're craving right now
Day 34: Your favorite quote
Day 35: A letter to an ex
Day 36: Some hobbies of yours
Day 37: A song that you like to dance to
Day 38: A photo of your parents
Day 39: Zodiac sign and do you think it fits your personality
Day 40: A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 41: Whatever tickles your fancy
Day 42: A bad habit you have
Day 43: A picture of your favorite place in the world
Day 44: Something that fascinates you and why
Day 45: A letter to yourself a year ago
Day 46: Photos of personal things in your life (pets, family, house, etc)
Day 47: Birthday wish list
Day 48: A photo of you right now
Day 49: Hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 50: A letter to your reflection in the mirror

Dear Lord-

Please encourage my university to process my financial aid before I run out of toilet paper.

Amen.

Letting the ball drop.

It's been a few weeks, and things have not improved. I'd really like a do-over on this entire year.

I am not okay. I'm not acting like myself at all. I don't feel like me.

I'm still jobless. Still essentially homeless. My car still needs work, which doesn't much matter, as I have nothing for gas. I feel so trapped. At this point I'm debating whether I should pay rent for next month, or just pack up and drive off somewhere and just see how far Stew will get me before he breaks down or we run out of gas.

I'm so loaded down with stress and sorrow that I can't breathe.

And no, I don't want to talk to you about it. I don't want to hear another person say that they wished they could help. I don't want help. I just want to be able to say that I am not okay. I'm tired of lying about it.

As a result, I'm letting the ball drop on a number of things because I lack the ability to do anything about them and I lack the desire to fight. I'm too tired and I can't breathe and there's nothing I can do about any of it anyway.

Screwed With My Pants On

Oh BYU, seriously? SERIOUSLY???

Here's the deal: I've been unemployed since April. Not a problem, because I ended up in India on scholarship with no expenses. Buuut, BYU was still charging me for health insurance, even though I had better insurance through my sponsoring organization.

Still, they put my account on hold for non-payment.

Fine. My loans are coming in soon, right?

Right?

I did my part 3 1/2 weeks ago. Someone at the bank just has to hit "enter" and my problems will go away.

Cause I also have to add one class.

And my application for full-time status needs to be processed. Which can't happen until after I've added the class. Which can't happen until the loans process.

So, we've just been waiting on the loans. Last week, FinAid office at BYU assured me that I've done everything I'm supposed to do. And they've done everything THEY'RE supposed to do. And that we were just waiting on the bank.

Right.

So, today I got an email from my department secretary. She'd gotten an email from student employment services saying that she'd have to terminate my job because I'm not enrolled in any classes. Seriously.

Which means that the idiots in charge who last week told me that everything would be fine went and deleted my classes for nonpayment of tuition...

So my classes are deleted. BUT the bank processed the loans today. So there's ANOTHER hold on my account, because they got their damn money today and have no idea WHAT THE FUCK to do with it!

SERIOUSLY???

So, I'm without credit hours, without loans, and apparently being fired from my job.

Fuck my life.