Crowd-Sourced Fundraising.

Hey All! I'm trying something extreme. I set up a GoFundMe page to try to crowd-source enough money to get the student visa. Help if you are so inclined, and please share if you will. :)

http://www.gofundme.com/b1hfl8

Here's hoping! Jealousy is pointless. I will make my dreams come true through hard work and sheer stubborn determination. Let's DO THIS!

On Jealousy

I'm going to admit something here: in light of my recent failure to acquire funding (and yes, I consider it a personal failure), I want to talk about my jealousy.

I will preface it by saying that if you're my friend, I love you. But I'm probably also jealous of you. Jealousy is probably my biggest personal failing, but I do try not to let it out too often. But I'm feeling self-pity and self-hatred at the moment, so my green monster is rearing its ugly head. And this is my blog, so I'm going to air it all out here. Because I can.

Circumstances are not just. Duh. But I think, in my self-pitying state, that they are absurdly so. I grew up poor. POOR. I grew up on church food, church rent, government housing, bunking with other families, briefly homeless, and only had eyeglasses thanks to government healthcare. I went to a rural high school that was too poor for books, and then an inner city high school that was too poor for anything. I worked really hard to supplement my terrible public education, getting accepted to summer programs hosted by universities, which allowed me to take extra classes.

I went to a great college. But I was too poor for my textbooks. I got a 3.0 GPA, which isn't great, but isn't terrible, considering. I stayed on campus during all the breaks I could, but I went hungry because the kitchens closed. I didn't tell anyone because it embarrassed me, and the women around me had a lot more than I did. Some accused my parents of being neglectful in not supporting me financially, but they couldn't have. I knew far better than to ask for help. They were barely supporting themselves.

After college I went to work as a nanny. I lived in the basement of a mansion and was always aware of my place, but I made a decent wage.

Then I started grad school. As bad luck would have it, I was accepted to BYU. It wasn't expensive, but it took me a long time. I did get that scholarship to go to India, which was great. But since I graduated, I've been working multiple PT jobs, juggling up to 5 of them, and often working 50-70 hours per week. And I'm not making much more than I did as a nanny.

I decided to get a PhD because I LOVE my research. I was afraid of academia before I found my work, and now I was desperately to do it again. But I can't. Because money.

And so I'm jealous. I'm jealous of people who have parents who can help them. I'm jealous of my friends who have received even partial funding because it allowed them to pursue their goals. I'm jealous. I'm drowning in student loan debt because I was sold the story that education would get me somewhere. I keep reading articles about extreme measures for paying off student loan debt. Everyone's answer is to move in with your parents. Mine are currently unemployed, so...

Stability is a privilege I haven't had. My education has actually been a liability. And despite being good enough to get into an amazing program, I'm not good enough to get any funding. Meanwhile others who are no smarter or better than I am, who have much more stability and come from much more privilege - they get funding. It's unjust. It's hurtful. I'm sad and I'm jealous. And I can't bear anyone complaining about their full-time jobs or their healthcare or how demanding their schooling is, because I would give anything to have those problems.

Long Overdue Update

Work Updates: I still work multiple part-time jobs. After being downsized from Pearson and USU, I got pt work at UVU, plus random teaching at PC and EGC. It's kept me afloat. And USU brought me back for some sporadic hours. I was close to getting a FT offer, but then the college suspended hiring until the end of their fiscal year. Which is now. So, fingers crossed, I guess

SOAS: I deferred enrollment. Worked hard on putting together funding applications. Submitted funding applications. Did not receive funding. ANY funding. So no PhD for me. The deadline to hear about funding was yesterday, so suffice it to say I'm in one hell of a bad mood.

That's pretty much it. Harold is still fat. I still, 2 years after getting my MA, work 60+ hours per week with no benefits and still barely make ends meet. I think I shall be a pt office drone for the rest of my life.

I don't think I'm going to try again. For grad school. This hurt WAY too much. It's kinda typical, though, for me. Maybe for smart people that come from poverty. I get accepted to things because I'm smart, but I can't do them because I can't afford to. That's been a recurring theme, actually. I think it would be a lot easier to be average. So I'm ready to stop reaching, because I'm tired of getting my hand slapped whenever I try to stretch beyond my class. 

Why do they need titles?

Sure, it's been scary. I've had two interviews for a full-time job, and was told I'd here from them again next week. In the meantime, I can cover my expenses this month, even though I've been laid off of my two stable jobs, and I hope that gives me enough time to find and get into another job. Fingers crossed for a full-time job. This one even has dental. I'd feel like such a grown-up. :)

As much as I hate having to wait to start my adventure, there are certainly good things about it. I'm daunted at the task of acquiring 9000 pounds in the next 12 months (which is the amount I need to be approved for the student visa... which comes out to just under $16,000), but if I can get this job, and also continue working nights and weekends at my other, crazy, part-time jobs, I think it's doable. Also, I'll need to not visit anyone or do anything too fun. Still, it's possible.

Staying here another year means that I can have a hefty nest egg when I leave. It means that I'll be here for my bestie's wedding (Xan). While we've said for years that we love each other too much to make the other serve as a bridesmaid (we think it's the meanest thing you can do to your friends), she's done it anyway, but I don't mind. :) Staying here also means that I'll be around for my 10-year college reunion. I'm pretty sure I'm about the only one left without a baby, but lucky for me, I don't actually want any. Still, I have a feeling the reunion will be a bit like visiting a toddler playgroup. Since I live in Utah, it won't be that dissimilar from any other social events I attend, but of course the women who attended my Alma Mater are insanely fantastic, and I'm glad I'll have the chance to see them again.

Also, Xan and her to-be will be (temporarily) adopting Harold and Kallista Lou, because they are awesome like that. And of course, by temporarily, I mean for the 3-4 years I'll be working on my dissertation. I've outlined three distinct areas of research, and have already started hunting down articles for the first section, which will be exploring heavy/light syllables in Punjabi to see if it's morae that trigger tone (as I suspect it is).

Okay, geek-out over. I know nobody knows/cares what I'm talking about there. Suffice it to say, it's interesting and exciting to me! And waiting one year isn't SO bad. As long as I can find articles and get going on my research. It was all way too fast to get it together for this year, and while it was disappointing, it'll be fine. Better, even.

Just wow...

So, Friday was my last day at USU-Orem. Sad. And today I was informed that the Pearson Test center where I work is being consolidated with another center.

Seriously. I lost 2 jobs this month due to downsizing. And there were the two that I live on. If I had time to get funding together, it wouldn't be so bad, since I'd be leaving for London anyway.

I'm doing that laughing-hyperventilating thing right now. If you have any words of wisdom to share that aren't trite, simplistic, or otherwise annoying, please feel free to share.

Updating and other boringness

I applied for deferment from SOAS and it was approved on Monday. I was offered housing, but of course had to turn it down since I won't actually be going to SOAS this fall. Next fall, though. I have a place for next fall.

In other sad news, one of my jobs (I have 5 PT jobs that I juggle) is downsizing. Even though this job is only one of my 5 and also my lowest-paying, it is also my most stable job. And next Friday will be my last day, so I'm frantically engaged in yet another job hunt. Nice.

And my car is breaking. Things are sad for me. :\

Reality.

My paperwork from BYU arrived at SOAS and they issued me an Unconditional Offer on Thursday. It's pretty. I mean, it's essentially the same letter, but pretty just because of the word "unconditional."

I've been working my way through my many to-dos. I filed a FAFSA this morning, but it's not going to do all that much good, to be honest. Because in truth, I can not afford to go.

Federal loans allow me to borrow $20,500/year. Tuition is $19,900 for overseas students such as myself. Rent on a dorm will be $900/month, and that's sharing a flat with 5-6 other people. Then there's food. Books. Transportation. Utilities. Fees, fees, fees. Flight there. Flights to India.

I think I already said that I missed the deadline for International students seeking funding (it was back in January, before SOAS was even on my radar). I've also missed all external grant and scholarship deadlines. I've found a few I could apply for, but they won't be any good for this year, and unfortunately (though it is logical), my visa application will absolutely NOT be approved unless I can prove that I can support myself financially for the first year.

I can't apply for the visa until 3 months prior to my start date at SOAS, so I have about 6 weeks to figure this out. I've been combing the internets looking for options, and I'm honestly not finding anything. I'm considering applying for a deferment of my offer until Fall 2014. There'd be no guarantees that it would be approved, but if it were, that would give me time to scrape together funding.

:(

SOAS

I applied on a whim. While I allowed myself to (briefly) fantasize about being accepted, I never (ever) really thought that I would be. I considered it more of a practice run this time around. I had every intention of applying to the University of Sydney this summer and seeing how that turned out.

Anyway, SOAS (formerly the School of Oriental and African Studies - recently changed in part due to issues surrounding the use of the word "Oriental") is part of the University of London. It's pretty small (5000+ students), so 5x as large as my undergrad (Macon had 1000), but much smaller than my grad school (BYU had 32000-ish). I'm glad. I like the smaller places better. About 40% of the students are international and their are departments for the varying regions (south Asia, southeast Asia, the Middle East, Africa, Linguistics, etc). I am, of course, entering the Linguistics department, though I considered also applying to the South Asia department, as they have some Punjabi research going on. I'll just try to get an advisor from there. I have already been assigned an advisor based on my research proposal. He does not do Punjabi, or any of the Indian languages. He studies Burmese and Wu. Oh well. :)

As a part of my application, I had to submit a research proposal. Luckily, I've been formulating what I want to do at the dissertation-level since I finished my MA thesis, so I just had to put it in writing. I had two people look it over for me (not because I'm a poor writer (I'm not. I'm very good), but because sometimes I get a bit caught up in my own head and I need some outside perspective to ensure that I'm being clear. So I threw one together (7 pages + title page + 4 pages of bibliography + 2 pages of appendix). I had a smart and remembered to transfer all of my documents (proposal, resume, CV) to A4 sized paper. That might be why I got in. They were like, "Oh look! A non-idiot American!"

Anyway, SOAS is divided into 2 "campuses" which are 20 minutes walk from each other. I use scare-quotes because really, it's a collection of disparate buildings in the middle of a city, not distinct from the surrounding area, like most campuses in the states are. It's divided between Russell Square and Vernon Square. It's apparently a very cool, bohemian part of the city with pubs and farmer's markets and a Harikrishna temple. Now this is cool: the temple takes food that's been overproduced or is at it's sell-by date, cooks it up, and feeds the neighborhood. For real.

I gather that the student body is highly eclectic and very hippie-ish. Lots of vegetarians and vegans and possibly hipsters.

My program looks incredible. As I mentioned, it's a 3-year MPhil/PhD. For the first year, I'll be near campus: meeting with my advisor "fortnightly,*" researching in their amazing, world-reknowned library, hammering out the details and design of my research, and attending lectures that my advisor thinks would be beneficial. There are 3 10-week long terms (ish) with 3-4 week breaks between. So that'll be Year 1.

Year 2 is dedicated to research, and in my case, that means field research. I'll probably spend 2 of the 3 terms in India (I'll probably go twice so as to focus on different aspects of my work and also to not get burned out). And, of course, I will spend lots of time on data analysis. Then Year 3 is dedicated to writing the dissertation. And then that's it! If all goes to plan, I'll be finishing up in July 2016.

As a Macon Woman note, I love that all of my graduation years have been/will be evens. (2004, 2012, 2016)

First Steps

It's been 4 busy days since my offer of a place and SOAS, University of London. A busy 4 days. Technically, my offer f a place in their program was a Conditional Offer, meaning I have to take care of a few things before I get an awesome Unconditional Offer.

As a condition of my admission, I have to send SOAS some documents. As part of my application, I had to send them pdfs of my transcripts and diplomas (seriously). And now I've been admitted, they want certified copies of my transcript and diploma from BYU, and a certified statement from the registrar confirming my degree and GPA. It all seems rather redundant to me, but whatever. I went to the records department on Friday and ordered all of that junk to be sent to SOAS so that they can issue me an Unconditional Offer.

Once I have that, I can apply for a CAS number (whatever that is), and then after I have that, I can apply for a student visa. Which will be quite expensive. Oh well. Anyway, I can't apply for that until it's 3 months before my arrival date, and currently it's 4, so I have some time to sort out the rest.

Four months. Geez. Given everything else aligning, in four months, I'll be moving (MOVING!) to London for 3 years. I am in shock. It has absolutely not sunk in yet. I'm scared and excited and overwhelmed. And even though I'm halfway certain that the school uploaded the wrong letter to my account by mistake, I'm taking steps.

I have so much to do. I've started organizing my things. Today, I packed a suitcase with all of my family heirlooms and sent it off with a friend who is going to get it to the east coast for me, so those things can be safe with a family member while I'm gone. I'm going to store a few suitcases of things I don't want to part with - I'm getting them to one of my sisters.

Everything else? I'm selling. My kitties? Also going to family. My bestie/pseudo-sister Noel is going to take care of Harold, my poor neurotic nutcase. She's the only other person that he tolerates, and she is kindly willing to adopt him while I'm gone. Kallista, I don't have a solid plan for yet. I'll figure it out. One of the many things I need to figure out.

But in about 4 months, I'll be moving on, finally getting out of Utah, and going to London, to my dream program, and I'll spend 3 glorious (an no doubt hard) years engrossed in my awesome research. Next time, I'll write about the program and why it's so amazingly perfect. :)

Acceptance.

For the past year, I have been working towards PhD applications. I took the GRE. I researched programs. I ordered transcripts. I wrote statements and research proposals. I paid exorbitant application fees.

And I was rejected. From 2 programs. The only two I applied for.

And then a friend mentioned SOAS. And so I looked it up. I liked the program. I liked the focus and the structure, so I decided that I would try for it next year.

For your reference, SOAS is The School of Oriental and African Studies at the University of London.

But. But then I saw that their application deadline hadn't passed yet. It was still 10 days away. I could do it. I could still try for this fall.

So I did. But I fully expected another rejection. They said that it would take 5-8 weeks for a response.
 I got mine this morning. It's been a little over 4 weeks.

It was so fast, I was convinced it would be a no. It was too fast for a yes. I was certainly one of the riffraff they were purging early.

But it wasn't a no. It was a yes. :D

Oh my.

You know that day when you walk into work and everyone you know has been fired without warning? Yeah... that was today.

I still have a position until the beginning of January, but after that, it's up in the air.

Wrong number?

So I'm sitting at one of my jobs tonight, in my quiet, little office. Since I'm working the 5pm-10pm shift, I didn't expect any phone calls.

But the phone did ring.

I answered the call with my usual officey introduction, but I don't think the caller caught it. In fact, I'm quite certain that the caller didn't intend to call my office at all. I think she meant to call an acquaintance, as she began asking me questions about how to pressure cook raw chicken.

I was taken aback at first, and waited for the caller to realize her mistake, but she just waited on the other end of the line, patiently awaiting answers about pressure cookers, lids, and elevation.

So I googled the information for her. And then she started asking how I can - for instance, how long I boil the lids. It's a good thing my friend Emily taught me to can peaches 2 months ago, or I would not have had answers.

She seemed like a nice lady, and I didn't want to make her feel awkward over what I'm sure was a simple mis-dial, so I went along with it and wished her luck.

Oh Utah. You are SO strange.

Philosophical Question:

Why is it that when something bad happens, it's definitely not because of God, but...

when something good happens, it's only because of God?

GRE and stuff.

Tomorrow I am taking a GRE practice test administered by Kaplan. I've been studying for 6 weeks, so I'm hoping I do reasonably well.

Today I was finally able to PAY for my freakin' test ($175), but of course, since it's so late in the test-taking game, both of the weekends I WANTED to take the exam are full. So I'll be taking the real test in 2 weeks, when I had planned on 3-4.

Fine. Whatever. This test makes me nauseated. So today I found my testing center in order to prevent getting lost on my way there.

PC does not have a section for me to teach next term, so for the next 5 weeks, I'm down to 2 part-time jobs. Honestly, I'm considering applying for a 4th. Which is batshit crazy, but the ends have to meet somehow.

Also, I'm happy to report that, after months of downstairs neighbors having noisy sex, I'm quite certain that the wife finally got off last night. Good for her. And about damn time.

Here's the thing about the work situation: right now, I am getting by, but barely. I'm not sure how I'm going to afford PhD applications, which, between app fees, GRE score-sending fees, and transcript-sending fees, will range in price from $80-$150 for each program I apply to. And I don't know how it's going to happen. I really don't. Especially with PC not having work for me this term. And who knows when they will? I'm an adjunct. I don't get job security, and with their terms being so short, I never really get to take a breath, either.

I have a complicated relationship with prayer. I don't feel comfortable asking for things, from people or from God. Even when someone owes me something, or it really IS their turn to pay for something, I won't ask. Someone told me recently that we HAVE to ask for specifics, so I tried it out. I prayed that I would have a section this term, so I could stop having bleeding ulcers from stress. And maybe I could afford my birth control, which I have to take to stay healthy, or risk losing my ovaries or getting cancer. I've been off my BC for 3 weeks, because taking care of my health is just not in the budget. I mean, gas and food are barely covered.
I'm struggling with this right now. I pleading from the depths of my soul for 2 sections. I got zero. What am I supposed to take away from this situation about God's love for me? I don't have a lot of options here. I'm working more than full-time hours. I WANT to work. I WANT to have a care for my health, but right now, that's a luxury I can't afford.

Someone I love asked me recently what I would do, if I could do anything? What would be my dream job. It seemed to me to be a self-indulgent question. I don't care if I'm happy. I don't care if my hours are horrible or if my boss is a jackass.
I care about being secure.
I can't afford the luxury of dreaming about happiness.

You know when you're waiting for an important email and every time a message shows up in your inbox you get hopeful? And then it's never the one you want? So you get mad at it?

Yup.

I'm waiting to hear of PC has a course for me to teach during their next term. I'm thinking not, which is problematic. I may have to find a 4th (4!) part time job.

I found a quote on Pinterest that sums up my thoughts well: I can't believe that I work so hard to be this poor.

Fair warning.

A dear friend of mine is up the spout, 22 weeks and counting. I love her because, while she's LDS like me, she isn't all fake-cheery, nothing-is-wrong, all-this-shit-must-be-god's-plan irritating. Maybe my bullshit tolerance is lower than it used to be, but right now, fair warning people, undue cheeriness may incite acts of aggression.

My reasons for this grumpiness are as follows: with my MA in hand, I have managed only to procure 3 part-time jobs. With these jobs, I work 45-58 hours per week and have no health insurance or job security. Every time someone says, "Well, thank God you have work," or "That's wonderful," or really anything positive, I get pissed. No. It's not wonderful, it's effing awful, actually.

But hey, if you're such a big damn fan of my "blessings," why don't you come over here and trade? I'll see you working 60 hours per week, juggling jobs, too busy to eat, trying desperately not to get sick, and trying to fit in GRE studying/PhD applying in the mix. Then you may come and tell me how wonderful YOU think it is.

And next year, when I may be able to update my 20-year-old car, that won't be a magical Godly blessing, either. That will be the end result of 12 months of 50+ hour work weeks, so keep your cheerfulness to your self, 'cause I'm too busy to buy that load of crap. My situation is shitty, and I'm crawling out of it by my fingernails and the skin of my teeth, so why don't you give ME some credit, instead?

Or just keep your opinions about MY LIFE to yourself. I'm tired of hearing how grateful I should be for this load of shit. I'm working through it and it's hard as hell; those types of comments just make me feel like shit.

On a more positive note (now that I've gotten that out of my system), I am excited about applying for PhD programs, though not too excited about the costs. Oh well. That's just how it goes. I'm particularly interested in the PhD program at Utah State University in Logan. AND the city seems really cool - they have a city-wide FREE bus system, which is paid for by local sales taxes. Awesome! And there's a local mid-singles ward, because the family ward is just not working for me. Last Sunday I was sitting on a pew and this family with 3 young boys sat in the row behind me. Yeah. They kicked the back of my bench the whole time. I kept giving them and the adults with them the stink-eye. Come to find out, they were the Bishop's kids. Yeah. I'm definitely making friends there...

Guest Post

Hey all-

I wrote a guest post on The Amazing Paige's blog about living and losing with PCOS. Let me know whatcha think.

http://sayingnotocookies.blogspot.com/2012/08/guest-post-this-is-how-andrea-has-lost.html

Thoughts on the Love Languages

I read the Love Languages book designed for singles a while ago. When I took the diagnostic at the end to see what my language was, I came up with an almost perfect 3-way tie. When I took it again some months later, I had a two-way tie. I've been thinking a lot lately about my relationships and whether I feel loved or appreciated and how I naturally show love and appreciation. To be honest, I feel like I show a lot, but I mostly don't feel like it's reciprocated, so I end up feeling hurt and used.

I'm fairly certain that my main love language for showing love is service and/or gifts. If you are my friend, I will do things for you. Lots of things. Inconvenient things. Things that cost me time and money. And I'm happy to do it, because it's for my friend.

It's rather a good thing that service isn't the language in which I receive love, because there's really only 1 person who shows his love for me that way. And because I show love that way too, I see it and understand it and reciprocate. But really, my receiving language is quality time. I've moved so many times - more than 2 dozen. So many people have come into and gone out of my life, and so I'm used to not seeing and not hearing from people and people regularly dropping out of my life.

Quality time. If I don't hear from you occasionally, if you don't want to hang out once in a while, it will follow for me that we are probably not friends anymore - that you don't want to spend time with me. I don't need tons, but to maintain any relationship, I do need something - a call to catch up, a sofa-surfing movie night, dinner. Something. Anything.

The worst for me is those that take my manifestations of love and give me nothing in return. I've always attracted those friends and boyfriends who would happily bask in my natural generosity - asking me to help with this and that, help moving, borrowing my books or DVDs, accepting invitations to dinners at my home - but who never do me the courtesy of a reciprocal offer or invitation. Those who only stop by to exchange one borrowed movie for another without extending the invitation to join them. Those who make plans with me one day and then drop off the face of the earth as the day for the plans approaches.

It makes me feel used. People take my time and effort and generosity, and then walk away with them. 

Dear Neighbors...

Dear Next-door Neighbors-
It was me. I reported your party to the police last night! And I'm NOT SORRY. Sure, when I was your age, I indulged in loud parties, too. But. Now I'm 30, and at 11:30pm, even on a weekend, I'd like to be able to sleep. I can not accomplish this when your guests are dancing in the streets and setting off fire crackers in the front lawn and when your music is so loud that I can make out the words from inside MY house.
So it was me. And I'll do it again.

Dear Other-half-of-house Neighbor-
Please, get a rug. You do NOT tread lightly. Also, I hate it when you sit in front of your door and smoke because it makes my whole house smell like cigarette smoke. I quit for a reason, and I'd like to keep it that way.

Dear Downstairs Neighbors-
The Saturday morning moaning is getting really old really fast. For the love, you share a house with other people. I have to see you at church. Keep it down, huh?

That's all. :)

Also...

I graduated. :D

I'm trying to keep my head above water with a series of part-time jobs while decided what to do for my future.  I'm confided that I'll go for a PhD.  I was initially planning on a PhD in Linguistics, but now I'm seriously considering Speech-Language Pathology.  There's a job market there, you know?

Whatcha think?