NEXT!

Yesterday was my final TFA interview. It went pretty well, I think. I don't remember doing or saying anything incredibly stupid...so, that's good.

I'll find out in 3 weeks whether I'm offered a position or not. We will see.

::sigh::

I passed the phone interview, and so am up for the in-person interview, which will take place in slightly under 2 weeks. Trying not to stress about it too much.

Have other things to stress about, in any case.

I seem to be getting chucked out of my house. Yup. I should only be here in UT for a couple more months anyway, and the landlord wants to remodel. So, I must move for the 4th time in 3 years.

I'm just so damn tired. I'm not ready to be told that it'll be okay, because that just makes me feel like my concerns are not valid. So...don't. I'm tired. Tired of Utah. Tired of waiting. Tired of hoping and praying and tired of getting slapped in the face. I really can't take much more of it. I'm about ready to just give the hell up.

TFA Part Deux.

I've just finished my Teach For American Phone interview. I might vomit. It didn't go poorly or anything... I just get really nervous. About 20 minutes in, I caught sight of my hand, which was shaking uncontrollably. I hadn't even felt it moving because I was too busy trying to answer hard questions without stuttering or throwing up.

I think it went well. I think I might get invited to the in-person interview. I'll find out next Tuesday. I'm calming down. I actually scheduled 45 free minutes for myself for calm down time. Seriously. It's in my date book.

I think it was okay. We got through all of the questions. I think I answered them pretty well. Articulate, but not too snobby. We'll see. Next week.

Looking forward.

So, I've had my pity party. I got my not-good news this morning and had a full-on tantrum. But feeling sad and dejected isn't going to get me anywhere. Whether or not I get into NU or CLS or TFA, I will survive. I have alternate plans - half a dozen of them. If I don't get into CLS, I'll just move sooner. Fine. Whatever. If I don't get into NU or TFA, I'll take a year, go back to custom window treatments for money-making, study for the LSAT and apply to Law School. If I DO get into TFA, I'll do that for the requisite 2 years and either continue teaching or THEN go to law school.

There are worse things in the world than not getting into these things. I will be fine. I will not be homeless. I will not die of self-loathing. I will not die of rejection.

The truth is I've been spoiled. I'm not used to not being accepted to programs for which I've applied. I've ALWAYS been accepted. I don't really understand why I wasn't accepted to these things, as I consider myself to be an extremely well-qualified candidate. My GPA is awesome. I've worked with 4 different professors on various research projects and have organized and run 2 international conferences hosted by my university, and have been invited to do 2 more. They love me. I'm a hard worker and an excellent student.

So what? I haven't been accepted, but I have to remind myself that I haven't actually been rejected, either. I haven't been rejected by any of these people.

I passed the first round of TFA, and my phone interview is Monday. I had better buck up before then, or else I won't pass that round.

Whatever happens, I'll deal with it. I've been wait-listed at NU for 5 whole weeks. Still, no news may be good news. They still haven't said no. Go me!

If I pass all of the portions of the TFA process, I'll be offered a position by the end of the month.

People who WERE accepted in the first round of CLS have been asked to submit their decisions by April 16, so I'll know by then about that.

It'll work out. In the meantime, I'm going to Germany. I'm going to see Frankfurt, Giessen, and Marburg. I'm going to see my dear sister and her darling baby girl. I'm going to see Gibraltar. I'm going to shop in a gypsy market and buy tacky souvenirs. If I can swing it, I'm going to see Paris. It's expensive, so I'll be there long enough to eat a lot of bread and cheese and take some pictures of le tour Eiffel and le sacre coeur. It will be amazing. I'm so happy about it. I've been wanting to get out and do something for a long time now. I keep making plans to travel, and they keep getting pushed back and pushed back. No more.

I'm so grateful for the opportunity to work on this project, to co-author a paper or two, and to present at an international linguistics conference.

I have so much to be happy about. I'm too blessed to be hiding under my covers and pouting.

I know that I've been doing a lot more writing than normal, and I apologize for all of the irritating posts. My journaling is much the same way: I don't write for a month or more, and then all at once I write every day. It's odd. Still, the point is that I'm not wallowing in self-pity. I have not been declined to anything, and even if I do get declined to these things, I can take care of myself. As for as NU and CLS go, I can't do anything BUT wait, and so there's no point in freaking out about any of it. I CAN do something about TFA: I can prepare well and do my best on my interview - do everything in my power to ensure that I make it to the next round of interviews. So, that's what's next. :)

India Update.

::sigh::

I'm an "alternate."

I don't understand. Am I really so average?

Nobody wants me enough. NU doesn't want me enough. CLS doesn't want me enough. What the hell? I have an amazing aptitude for language learning. I've taken 12 language courses at the college level in 4 different languages, one of them an Indian Language. A Dravidian - Tamil. And Punjabi is Indo-European....so they're not actually related at all, but who else knows that?

I really thought that I was a shoo-in for that one. And yes, that is the appropriate spelling for that phrase. I googled it.

I'm going to crawl back under my covers now.

Germany Update.

Good news! The research team went through the money at our meeting today and calculated how much we would each have to contribute to the Germany trip considering different factors. This is what we have discovered: If we stay in a hostel, we save almost a hundred bucks. If we stay in the conference hotel or in one of the nearby hotels, we'll need to pay between $100 and $300, depending. So, two team members and I are opting for a hostel, while the other 4 team members are opting for a hotel. Whatev. If I'm spending time in Germany, I'm totally having the full American-20-something experience. So, the plan, still developing:

Day 1: Fly to Germany.

Day 2: Arrive in Germany; take train from Frankfurt to Giessen; register at conference.

Days 3-6: Conference in Giessen.

Day 7: Post-conference trip to Marburg.

Day 8: Train back to Frankfurt, flight to Spain to meet Niece.

Days 9-?: Hang out in Spain.

Days ?-?: Short jaunt to Paris, perhaps? Photos with le tour Eiffel?

Day ?: Back to Frankfurt, flight home.

Once again, I find out next week if I'll be going to India for half of the summer. If so, I'll leave for that program about a week after coming home from this trip. Sweet. :D

Fingers still crossed on NU, TFA, and India. Here's hoping!

Waiting, waiting, waiting. :(

While most of you have already heard me whine about all of this, I feel the need to also put my bitching out into the internet void.

I am sick of waiting. Due to sickness and hospital stay, I only managed to get one application in for one PhD program. This is not good. Of course, it's the only one that I want and the only program in the nation with my area of interest, so I guess it could be worse. I may have only been able to apply to a back up program. Eww. Instead, I have NO backups! Gah!

On the plus side, I wasn't rejected. Of course, I wasn't accepted, either. I was waitlisted by my dream program and have been waiting for 5 long weeks to hear any news. I know that they were applying for more funding and that if anyone else chose to go elsewhere, then I'd get their spot. 5 WEEKS! Really, Northwestern? I'm dying here! I want into your program SO badly! It would be amazing and I would be so happy and I would work hard and write papers and teach lectures and there would be utter bliss! I understand that the pool was extra large this year and that competition was fierce. I am honored that my file wasn't tossed in the round file on first glance. I'm proud to say that I was waitlisted at your institution, really. That's a heck of a lot more than most can say. But I'd be happier still and infinitely more proud if you would actually allow me to attend. I'm just saying... I'd work my butt off for you. Please contact me soon so that I can know how seriously I should pursue my Plan B.

Plan B: Teach for America. Don't tell them that they're my Plan B. I don't think it would go over too well. So, in the event that I am ultimately rejected from NU, I have applied to Teach for America, for which I would move to an inner-city or low-income area and be a school teacher for 2 years or so. Depending on the area, it is also possible to earn a Master's degree while doing this. Of course, I already have most of one. But then, why not two, right? I have passed the first round of cuts. On Monday, I have a phone interview. If I pass that, I will have an in-person interview the following week. If I pass that, they will make me an offer by the end of the month. Once again: nothing set in stone. Only waiting.

I'm waiting for more doctor's bills to make their way into my mailbox. This is a sad thing. I don't have a whole lot of money, and I don't make much per month. I have paid two or three bills of a few hundred dollars each and have received statements for others that should be coming. Hospital stays are so expensive. I got my statement from the hospital last week: $21000. Seriously. Insurance should pay 80%, which still leaves me with upwards of $4000. This is sad to me.

I should hear by late next week whether I've been accepted to the CLS program: Critical Language Scholarship. For this, the US department of state would pay for me to travel to India for 2 months to learn Punjabi. This would be awesome. But, waiting.

I also may be travelling to Germany to attend the ICAME 2010 conference in Giessen. If I do get to do that, I will also take the opportunity to meet Isobel, my new niece in Spain. I would get back from that in perfect time to go to India for the remainder of the summer. But I don't know how much contribution I will have to make for that, and what with the medical bills looming, if it's more than a few hundred, I won't be able to go at all.

::sigh::

The moral of the story is: waiting defies the laws of physics because it both sucks and blows at the same time.